difficile

I've been slapped in the face with "hey, you're doing it wrong" and I am extremely overwhelmed with this information. For about a year I'm been going about how I could do no wrong and basically was over confident or just didn't let my emotions actually come to the surface. So now when I feel something it feels too much or I can't handle it/ get overwhelmed/ don't know what to say/very lost. I guess it was my guard up the whole time. Feels as if I haven't been enjoying my life to the fullest but holding back so much in expression and emotion. I usually do things I think I should do instead of what maybe I want to actually do. I don't take much of a chance or persuade things of more pleasure. I'm scared. I'm still traumatized and it's built me this kind of strange lifestyle that I've been living. I'm content but I am not satisfied. So many things came easy, I realized how to get what I want and my god I've been bored forever. But I had to protect myself from everything I was afraid of at the same time. I can't just set myself up, be raw, super genuine, "myself" for someone just to abuse it. I have to change the way I am. With growth in a wise way. I am not okay with myself knowing now what I've learned recently and it took an outsiders perspective to make me see these things. I always knew I wasn't fully fulfilled. This will be an obstacle in my life. I want to feel. I want to live. I want to stop wasting my time on certain things that are clearly not beneficial and no longer even entertaining. My ego is full. My heart is open. I'm ready but I'm fragile. I am fear of feeling things that I totally diminished from my life. Also have met a beautiful person. I'll talk about him in another post maybe. because I don't know how to express how i feel  in the way I would like to just yet. He doesn't talk to me anymore. Everything is incredibly upside down. I just wish my heart and brain would meet somewhere in the middle and work together, but they don't seem to get along.

xxxplosive

We were both two of the same people for the majority of those two years. I'm positive the reasons why you began to like me was because I was nothing like you. So when I started being me again I don't understand what exactly went wrong. Because I became adventurous again, confident again and free spirited, happy if you will - You hated me more. However being truly happy only occurred once you were far out of the picture. Like I've said before it was all a learning experience. Those were horrific and awful times of my life but there was some really joyful ones in there too. I'll never be sorry for trying to become the person I set out to be and continuing on with the life I live but there will always be that slight unfulfilled missing area of my life. I've never seen two people who belonged to each other more, yet were absolutely so draining and wrong for each other. Actually I've just never known somebody who continues to do so much wrong in their life, as if they didn't learn the first 40 times. Nobody got the short end of the stick. We both receive whatever we set out to do. I may not agree with you and from what I've herd you say to me, well you defiantly don't agree with mine. I guess my last thing I'm trying to overcome is accepting who you are. I really don't like that person. They're unstable and irrational, to name a few. The person you are is beyond my control. I don't wait for anyone and I'm not certain if people change, I believe we just grow and adapt to new situations. I'm just glad I had a chance earlier on in life to know the better version. I should probably stop talking about you know. Go fuck up, you can only let yourself down so much. Even I don't care. Threaten me if you will. It's amusing.

sincerely

I hate kyle

not all who wander are lost.

I can't tell you the last time I've cried, I honestly don't remember. I do remember when crying was almost daily. I don't understand how I let someone do that to me. I can't believe the amount I've evolved in a year. Tragedy probably saved my life. I lost love, I lost a best friend and I definitely lost myself. If I look back it makes me really sick. But I learned everything from it and now I'm capable of so many things, everything. I lost interest in a lot of the things I love. Art, fashion, music, nature, adventures and desires. Now I embrace it all and it truly makes me so happy. I'm also vegan now and I feel absolutely amazing. I've learned a lot more than I already knew about health and food and I'm going to be this way for the rest of my life. I'm such a hippy haha. The only thing that really concerns me these days is I don't know know what to do with my life still and it really bothers me. I want to see the world but I also want to be really successful and it's very hard to put these two things together and in order. I feel like I'm running out of time or something. After Coachella I don't know what my next adventure will be. Or who it will be with. Not everyone is on the same page as me and it's a little hard to grasp because I don't understand how someone wouldn't want to have this much fun. Not everything has to mean something for you to do it or want it. Do what you feel. I'm intelligent enough for post secondary but there's nothing I'd like to take. I really wish there was because I like to learn and I'd be good at it however, I don't want to take courses just for the sake of taking them. Waste of time and money in my books.

mercy

my life feels like it's revolved around love. In-love or lack of love. Being where im loved or finding a place that feels loving enough. However I don't want it. I'm not a fan. The intimate aspect of love is not what I'm seeking. Just the environment, way beyond a relationship. This is probably one of the most difficult things in my life that I need to achieve. I'm either going to obtain this by leaving or by coming back after some time. It's really just time for new adventures, cultures and journeys. I rarely get back what I put in so it's time to go. I can't believe being this bored has made me so unsatisfied to the point where nothing is full satisfying enough. I realized ive been distracting myself for over a year. Not quite sure if I've been living my own life. Most of it has been decent times but I'm starting to see right through it. It's a bit of a shock when you kind of figure out 'why you are the way you are' but that's me, and I can't change it. I'm still really motivated just missing a spark. I have a few things to finally settle then I guess I can continue on with what I really want. I've just been so stressed for months and it really killed my drive and confidence. They attribute to a lot, to everything. I need coachella right now. 7 more weekssss

lasagna

urban outfitters girls!

I can't win certain situations, I wish I wasn't the way I was about certain things. I can't give away my feelings free willingly. I want my ambitions to come first. I feel like relationships hold each other back. I feel like the best version of myself when I'm single because I'm full of desire and ideas. I'm having a difficult time embracing some great things that have recently come into my life. But my instincts are telling me to diminish them. Now I have to worry about how someone else feels all over again. I care but now I'm holding back. I keep telling myself theres nothing to worry about but it's still a major risk. It's okay to be vulnerable sometimes. I'm human after all. I'll break your heart 20 times, its a vicious cycle. Temptation is my biggest weakness and adventure is my drug. I'm surrounded by both 24/7. I created it and its a reoccurring event that life throws at me. I do things without realizing half the time, everyone just falls for it. It's not even bullshit. I really feel alone when it comes to this but it makes me feel like I can anything. And I will do anything, because I'm fantastic at it. I don't even have to lift a finger. I want to move to whistler next november!

add my facebook to talk or any shit: www.facebook.com/newbornhippy

french

I think I'm easily convinced and persuaded. By others and myself even. So now I'm starting to convince myself about simplicity. I want to enjoy everything. I need to pleasure myself and enjoy my time and days. I wouldn't mind a glass of wine, a pastry even. Why not? It's something to look forward to. A bath, bundle up and walk around. Embrace the cold even! I hate winter. Moderation is on my mind. Everything in moderation witch relates to balance which I've talk about before as to being one of the keys in life. I'm basically really embracing my french culture. They aren't worrisome, very relaxed and the morals are there. It's slightly old fashion but it works. So when the shit hits the fan well.. C'est la vie !

lex

I live my life the way I want it to be. I don't know much about smart choices, but im making all my choices with confidence at least. I'm having fun, im working at urban outfitters, putting money aside. Constantly thinking about my future with a positive outlook for the most part. Enjoying my life so I don't get to 40 years old having a mental break down wishing i did things differently. This year is ending immaculately well. I'm really not looking for a relationship. It holds me back. I like to do whatever I want. I'm not seeking love, I don't need it. I'm super busy but it gets all the ideas flowing. I'm constantly wanting to better myself. I feel good about myself but I want more. If I'm not moving up I get agitated. I live by high standards, and that may not be the life that YOU choose, however it's what gets ME going. I settle for the very best. Cut out the bullshit. I really don't have time for it. I seek respect. I hope my friends and family respect me because I deserve it and I constantly think about them. Not everyone is on my level, but this is me. I'm different now. Summer was amazing and ive continued it during this fall so far. There's been some conflicts of course but they're being dealt with in the best possible way. My mindset has had a make over over the past few months. All I really have to say is simplicity isn't for me.

everything

Miserable I'll never be, ungrateful perhaps because I am arrogant. Unsatisfied, always because I feel the need to be better. Unsure because I want whatever is best. Clueless because I think I know everything. Not giving a fuck because it hurts to care and be let down. I think I finally know what I'm afraid of and knowing that, a few things make sense now. I'm really getting a sense of who I am these days and I quite like that person. It is really sort of exciting waking up and being me. I feel like I can do no wrong a lot of the times, yet I'm well aware of wrongful things that I am repeatedly doing. I may continue them, I may not. I'm not too concerned. If they end up mistakes then so be it. I remember times where I wasn't looking out for myself because I was too busy looking out for someone else and I lost track of everything. I'm so sickened by it because I lost everything it felt like. But I'm free now and that's what matters. I can have anything I want. I want everything.

july 24th

Sometimes people just come into your life unexpected, and I'm most definitely embracing it. Although the only issue is I'm fearful for a time that they may no longer be in my life. For the first time in a little while I'm actually scared. I'm scared that something could happen and I'm scared that I may not be okay if something happened. I guess it means I care right? It's just pretty new to me because I rarely do. If someone manages to hurt me I will be very displeased with myself I just can't let anything like that happen to me. I can't go through that. No one is allowed to do that to me because I made that promise to myself and the relationship I have with myself is far more impacting than the one I have with anyone else on this planet.

blunt

Am I supposed to write advice? Vague feeling towards life? How much i like/dislike the way things are right now? What does it matter ? Makes no difference and is probably beneficial for no one. Writing doesn't keep me sane I guess it's just a way of expressing myself for five minutes. My life is really cool right now and I'm not letting anyone get in the way of that. I'm pretty happy with myself. Not accomplishment wise because there's nothing to show for that. But that's what i'm working on now. I couldn't really do a lot of things and was very unsure about how to do things and wasn't sure about my capability. However, for a while I don't think there's anything I can't do. So I'm going to do it. But fuck it, I don't have a whole lot to say, too busy just being and living.