dec. 14th

How many secrets can one keep from the most important person to them? I have that person that I tell everything to. Almost everything. I screwed up. Yet again. I'm really tired of screwing up. I hate winter and I hate the holidays and I just want to fast forward to new years so I can focus on some resolutions. I feel like I'm ruining the only thing important to me. Can we honestly get mad over something we had no control over? What's the point? It was stupid and apologizing won't help. I'm not too fond of myself at the moment. Instead of taking steps forward feels like I'm just walking backwards. Is this 2008 again? Sure feels like it. I have no perception of time/date anymore. I'm tired as hell. I can't tell the difference between being awake or sleeping. I need a plane ticket to Toronto please and a time machine. What do I want for Christmas? I want to wake up and accept everything that has happened, move on and rock a smile on my face for 2010. Might be possible. Although things don't work out for people like me. No amount of clothes will make me satisfied at the moment. I need to finally start fixing things and actually finding solutions. Years of bottling it all up don't exactly make me really qualified or experience to do so. Can't even talk to my bestfriend about anything. I try and talk but the words aren't coming out. Fear? maybe. Maybe it's just how things are now. I'm just straight up miserable. I love you.

hatefuck - the bravery

hot bitch

Gorgeous.

bam bam- sister nancy

I can do it some more

my favorite type of Mischa .

Hippy4life!

tick tick boom - the hives

no title

I lost myself a month or so ago . I lost care for things. I lost myself . I still maintain to be respectful and civilized but I'm not exactly normal. If only you could see what's going on in my head you would understand. I've built the past few months on distractions to keep me occupied. I've forgot everything I wanted to become . I stopped dreaming. My mind is blank . I feel somewhat fearless . "It's only when we've lost everything then we're free" . At the moment I'm not satisfied with anything. I've had a theory that it's just a phase or possibly because I don't have anything to look forward to at the moment. I've lost a big part of who I am for some reason. It's almost as if I took a step back from everything and just watched the world fall apart. I'd love to update this blog how I used to with fashion and beautiful people but I honestly see nothing I like anywhere. Or it's the current state of mind that makes me dislike everything . So it may take a while because I don't think this phase is going away any time soon ... I seriously believe I'm somewhat insane possibly?

bad romance - lady gaga

sixteen

So you might be wondering about my birthday, honestly I am too. I can barely remember a damn thing. I don't have a single memory or picture to share. I apologize if you were looking forward to something for me to show you. I guess on my birthday I learned some valuable lessons. 1. Don't drink on an empty stomach. 2. Never trust a hoe 3. Make sure you call the right restaurant when you make reservations. 4. Stop being stupid . I guess it wasn't that bad, the blurs I remember seemed sort of fun . Maybe my 17th birthday will be better lol .

tik tok - ke$ha

happy birthday isabella!

So tomorrow is my big day. It's my sweet 16 . I'm going out, going to try and have a memorable night . Being 15 was honestly pretty damn good. A lot better than when I was 14 . 14 was the worst year of my life . 15 sure had it's problems but I started to realize things and smarten up a bit. With that progress I hope 16 is better than 15 . I hope that every year gets a little bit better . Only I can control that, I suppose and I swear to god I'm going to try. Maybe I'll post some pictures of my birthday later on during the week . It's like a new chapter of my life is opening up. To some its not really a big deal but to me it is because I want to do so many things. I want to start believing in things, see the world etc. Here I will give a big thanks to E.G and K.G for making 15 a decent year . Thank you, you have no idea how much I appreciate it. Also thanks to my fellow bloggers and readers because I love this blog and all the people I've met through it.

Happy birthday to me !

bring sally up - moby

kghc

There comes a time when we can no longer continue to hide. Can't hide what we've done forever. Whether it was a mistake or not something still happened. What I've just wrote sounds complex but It's not . The less people know, the better right? I'm not so sure about that in this case. You see, I've made some mistakes recently and I don't know if I can hide something this intense. I'm good at hiding everything/keeping things from everyone but this is something you can't hide forever . I screwed up big time. I admit that but I wish it didn't have to change anything. "They fought a lot because they were the biggest hypocrites known to man kind, but my god, they loved each other". I hope that's the case for me . I am a huge hypocrite but I can't help it. Everyday I black out for a minute or so . I get an intense flashback about a tragedy that happened . I've come to the conclusion it's because I never get over something or I bottle it up but I also feel like it's nobodies business and nobody deserves to know because I don't like anyone really, I maybe care about 4 people in this world? It's not that I'm selfish because I don't really take care of myself or care about myself that much I just can't put up with most people. I don't give a shit about anything really. I just need to go out and do something fun and take the edge off ....... legally . Suggestions?

no music just silence.

stupid post

The drama free streak is probably over now. I don't know why this keeps happening to me. The same situations just with different people. Every guy I'm with is the exact same. Just a different face. The same issues and problems. I guess it's my type? I have an ugly past and it's nobodies business but it seems to effect everything still. It's not a matter of moving on or anything because quite honestly I'm over it but other people need to accept it. I come with a lot of baggage. I don't want to be with anyone in that kind of relationship at the moment but it's still okay to fooool arouuuuund . I don't know. Everyone (by everyone I mean a certain person) likes to make a big deal about everything. You can't get mad over things you can't control or things you don't have power over. Relax people. I'm 15 (16 in 2 weeks!) . I've acknowledged my age a few months ago and I act my age. I don't try and be anything else. I'm most certainly not ready for a lot of things and to be honest I don't want to deal with a lot of shit half the time. I just want to go out and do my own thing . Without having to be questioned and overprotected by people who are no longer here. I can handle myself and if not then let me learn. I like doing things on my own. Life isn't a group project .. so leave me alone . Let me fall a few times. Let me get my heart broken. Let me cry. It's a learning experience that I know I can handle. I'm not who I used to be. I'm a lot stronger and less vulnerable and less lost. I just need room to breath and room to grow. Although it's going to be impossible with this extra cautious I have with you . Theres no point of asking questions you already know the answer to. Theres no point of asking questions if you know you won't like the answer. I don't ask because I don't want to know. I'd rather not know than be miserable knowing. No doubt about it I know some horrible things are going to happen. I'm not ready for it but I know it's coming. fml I still don't know how to deal with things but maybe this time will be different. Hold on tight babyyyy its going to be one hell of a ride. *sigh*

shit hits the fan - obie trice ft dr.dre & eminem

nation

Everything I'm about to say is coming from the tip of my tongue and mind. So bare with me! We are surrounded by numbers . Age, birthday, dates, time, weight, height, EVERYTHING . Sometimes those numbers matter and sometimes they don't. The question is .. Are we going to make those number define us for the rest of our lives? I feel like everything has an "expiry" date. Like when your boyfriend tells you he might be moving to the other side of the country. He just put an expiry date on your relationship. I don't think you're allowed to do that. We are constantly working around these numbers and trying to balance them out and make sense of everything and not disturb the numbers. I don't really know where I stand with these numbers we all live by. I'm not really a fan of numbers and math in general but I do my best not to fuck around with the way things in life are. I just want to live. Without the rush and the "expiry" dates. I don't want to have to wrap my life around times of tragedy and love . I'm not milk, I won't go expired :( . As for Halloween I don't know what im doing or what I'm being.

zombie nation - kernkraft 400

lit

Some things end but however they begin again. Although some things just end and never start again. We lose stuff that we will never get back . We find things that change our lifes. Theres a factor of taking advantage of things and just throwing it away. Then theres me. I'm an adolescent who doesn't care. Sooner or later I'm going to have to care, actually we are all going to have to care. "The more I care the better work I do, the more work I do, the more I don't care". This is a decent phase. I don't know.. I like it. The less words we speak, the less problems of conflict we have. The lack of emotion increases the chance of less harm. I'm not apathetic just very neutral. It's not the TR33 talking either, it's just me. I'm not confused about anything anymore either simply because I don't care about anything I can't control anymore. So we'll just have to see where this takes me . Round 2, path 100 . Gotta turn around somewhere righhhhht?

dr. dre ft snoop dogg - still dre

keep on running

Bad news is the worst. Wost part for me is the way I handle it. It's probably my biggest flaw. Although I don't think the people I care about know the effect they have on me. I care for everyone a lot. So much, maybe too much. I worry and I stress out about what they're doing. It's a mystery when they say they've changed their old ways. People rarely change so I don't hold my breath. Love sucks, everything you do effects both 2 people. You and the one who loves you. I don't know what to do anymore. It's gotten to the point where I don't know right from wrong. I just know what I want. What I want is for you to be... safe. I didn't know that was too much to ask. Sad thing is I wouldn't change the past of us because it made some really good times. The bad times are worth it. Just gotta work through it I suppose. I don't want to get use to this. I want a positive change. It's not my job to change people. I thought it was but no, that's their job. I'm backing off now. It's all on you. I'm done with saving people. I need to save myself first. For the first time in a long time I've realized that your problems do not equal my problems. I'll let you do your own thing and we'll see where that leads to ... We'll see where that ends US up. This isn't farewell. Not at all. Maybe a wake up call? I'm not who I was . I'll never be again. Just smarten up and I'll follow your path. I'm always there for you . Always.

"keep on running ... keep on running ... Theres no place like home."

farewell to the fairground - white lies